equinox altar

The Pathless Woods

Currently, I’m sitting in confusion. My mind squabbles all the should’s, could’s, and “don’t you wanna’s.” It shrieks of time, ambition, and success. All in one breath. And then does a quick about-face to scream in another breath all the fears of possible wrongdoing, stepping outside of integrity, and sucking at this thing called life.

I see you mind as you claw your way around me. As you attempt to tear me down. I may have no clue what’s around the corner, where the fuck I’m going, or if any of it’s right, but I’ve chosen a path. Or at least I think I have. It’s this one over here. You see? The one you can’t actually see.

There’s dirt, grass, and brush in the way. It’s awfully dark. And I’m having some weird out of body experience in which I turn back to see parts of myself standing at the start saying, “What the fuck are you doing, Paula?”

I’m making my own path. And it’s ugly. It’s not a pretty process at all. All this shit is in my way. Somewhere between the swampy puddle and the thorny bush I’ve got to put my foot down. And it’s up to me to decide.

I chose this path because I can feel the power of my Soul calling me forward. It’s my Soul’s path. The other paths… I know them. I know what they look like. I know, generally, what they entail. I know what I’d need to do to be successful. And I would be. And yet, none of that feels as deeply fulfilling as this right here.

At my core, I’m an adventurer. I’m willing, courageous, and daring enough to go where no one has gone before. I’m ready to make a trail and pave my own path forward. It’s not easy. ‘Cause I’ve got no one to copy. All I can do is show up today and be me fully.

All I can do is take the next step, push the next branch out of the way, and climb over the next fallen tree. Along the way I know I’ll meet all kinds of characters. Trees with leaves that fold in on itself. Birds that sing 5,000 songs. And butterflies that kiss cheeks. I’ll scrap my knee once, twice, or a hundred times. The mud and I shall be pals. And I’ll definitely get in there with my long legs, stretch into my capacity, and feel a deep opening in my hips.

Aren’t we all just making this shit up as we go any? We can pretend we’ve got it all figured out. And it does afford a nice air of security. But it’s not truth. And Soul wants to know if we’re willing to really know the Truth of It All.

I am. Or, at least, I think I am? I say I am. And then fear rises to the surface. Who knows!? Jump and just see, why don’t you?!

So I jump. I jump now. I jump again. I jump again. And I jump again. Over and over each and every day. Sometimes I land on my ass or get pulled back a mile or two. I awake to my own mistakes and their consequences. I pick myself up and keep going.

But most importantly, I’m learning to stop. Stop doing all the things that don’t belong to me. Stop conforming to societal, cultural, and familial expectations. Stop chasing the things outside myself. Stop climbing to get what others have got. Stop doing the things I’ve always done just because we’ve always done them and that’s the way things are. I’m learning to just stop.

Yea it’s scary because “money,” “lost potential,” “what I get it wrong,” “what if I lose it all,” “what if I miss out.” What if, what if, what if…

What if this were the most amazing path? What if it were better than anything I could ever imagine? What if my heart’s longings are fulfilled? What if my Soul jumps for joy? What if my being explodes in gratitude? What if I felt so totally myself? What if I felt fulfilled?

How can I help myself to be more myself every single day?

I’m dropping in. I’m pulling my energy, attention, and focus inwards. I’m listening. I’m hearing what She has to tell me and show me. I’m feeling into Her. And on the surface, it doesn’t look like much is happening. But inside a whole world of cosmic proportions bursts forth. And as we relate, I get to know Her. I get to know myself.

Soon my actions align. The world outside me starts to shapeshift. Pieces begin to move and realign. All that no longer serves falls away. And my Being draws in and collects all that that is just right. In to the dark, pathless woods. One small, cosmically courageous step at a time.

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