It’s almost five o’clock. I want to sit in front of the TV and forget about how I feel. I want to avoid doing the things I know are worth even only five minutes of my time. Because it takes strength and willpower. Both of which feel like they’re hitting new lows. New steady lows. Lows that persists because each day it takes strength to keep showing up and doing life. It takes strength, willpower, and courage to say yes to my heart and soul.
My soul’s path isn’t easy. I have to take hard looks at wildly uncomfortable truths. I’m choosing to say yes to something that doesn’t seem to make much sense but it does feel right. And even when I say it feels right, it still feels like shit. That’s the paradox of a soul-based choice.
I wake up in the morning in a liminal space. One foot still in the old world. One foot reaching out into the next. Absent, void-like feelings stagnate and waft away as I move throughout my day. Tasks are nice at times because they’re distracting. Thank God for tasks. I find it easy to fill my day with things that fuel my soul even though my body feels tired. Because my body doesn’t seem to have much to give as the day wears on, my tasks fall away as the clock nears five.
I lie. Four. As the clock nears four. But that’s okay ’cause four is close enough to five and I can start my evening tasks now. And the sooner I get these tasks done then the evening’s here and I have a reason to rest and zone out on some TV after I eat food.
Food. I’m a planner and committed to making meals. But he’s not here tonight. So there’s no one to cook for except me. I don’t need to cook. I can just go get a cheeseburger. The second one this week in fact. It’s fast, easy, and tasty! And it’ll make me feel good. I’ll get a nice food high. I can sit in front of the TV and eat my cheeseburger and forget about my life for a while. Ah, yea. That sounds about right. That’s the easy path. And maybe I’ll still do that but first I need to contemplate my newfound awareness of my numbing behaviors.
I could make some serious spiritual growth if said no to a cheeseburger and found something more soul-fulfilling to do with my time this evening. Like take a bath and read. But what comes through more clearly is the realization that what I crave most right now is connection.
If I could do anything, I’d sit down to dinner with people I love. I’d share my home, my love, and my table. I’d break bread and listen as people wiped off their road dust from the day. We’d laugh and love each other, hug, and kiss each other goodnight. I’d go to sleep with a full belly and a full heart.
I’ll reach out to someone I love. Let’s see what happens.